Princess Gail’s Anniversary Present

Princess Gail first caught my eye 7 years ago because of the sultry way she moves. She oozes a natural confidence and sexiness that both men and women notice. She has her own unique “Gail style” and always looks beautiful, dressed just right for the occasion. But I gave her a second, third and infinity looks for other reasons. She is a realist. No games, no bullshit, either dished out or tolerated. She’s practical. She’s independent. And for 18 years she had been an indescribably amazing single mother to a very difficult autistic child. Because of that, she had been ostracized by many people, including family, who could not tolerate his presence. So she had learned to do for herself. I love it that Gail can fix cars, paint, do drywall, finish furniture, work power tools, etc, etc etc. There’s nothing she can’t figure out. And, she likes to ride bikes and to golf! I found all of that, and so much more, very appealing. And she somehow acquired a taste for me. So we had Elvis marry us in Las Vegas 4 years ago March 10.

So what do you get your special Princess for an anniversary present? It had to be suitably romantic, right? I knew just the perfect thing! See, I had been listening to her babblings. I had been watching her every crazy move. I observed with interest as she gathered materials for her never ending projects. I just knew she needed a new drill!

Now hear me out. She had purchased her old drill 10 years ago, on clearance at Meijer’s for $20 (“Originally $80,” I’ve heard her say more than once.) It’s a big old clunky thing and the battery doesn’t hold a charge for more than a few minutes. She has two or three partial drill bit sets that she probably got at garage sales. So I knew she needed one. Further, if she were to buy a replacement, it would be another inexpensive generic model that she waited months for to go on sale. But that’s not how I roll. When I get her stuff, I get the Cadillac. So I figured I’d get a Cadillac drill, a small and sexy DeWalt 12 volt hand drill:

I just knew she would like the new quick mount for 1/4 inch bits, and the 3 LED lights that illuminate the target, and the small size to fit her small hand. And I wanted her to have a brand new drill bit set, along with Phillips and flat-head screw bits of all sizes. I could just picture her high-pitched squeal of delight as she ripped open the box! So I gave it to her tonight.

Guess what? I was totally right! Ha! She flat out loved it! I told her she wasn’t allowed to ask how much it cost and that she wasn’t allowed to take it back for another (less expensive) model. She couldn’t stop saying thank you, and I could tell she was being sincere. How can I tell, you ask? I am just a man after all. Well, she said something about getting drilled tonight! 🙂

 

Husband School – How to Push Her Around

There’s nothing more I can say about this.  The newspaper article from the Winston-Salem Journal,  and this picture that went along with it, say it all.  A good lesson for all us guys.

How to Push Her Around

push-her-around

Boyfriend School – The correct way to answer the question, “Does this make my butt look big?”

butt This is the second lesson in the Boyfriend School series. Husbands, of course, are welcome. Women, you already know this information, so you can skip this post.

This subject is not that difficult, but I see young men mess it up time after time. The question, “Does this make my butt look big?” has become a cliché. A popular book is entiltled, “Does this clutter make my butt look big?”  A famous humor blog writer, who happens to be my friend Kathy at The Junk Dawer, just wrote a post entitled, “Does This Car Make Me Look Fat?” But at its core, this subject is no laughing matter. When a guy is presented with this question by the object, I mean woman, of his desire, he better get the answer right, or he’ll have to quench his desire with a cold shower!

After years of careful observation, I have learned that the correct way to answer this question politely is based entirely on ethnicity. And I know I must be correct because this is very simple, and simple is usually right.

If your woman is either black or hispanic, and she asks, “Does this make my butt look big?”, the polite response is, “Yeah, baby! Bring it to me!!”

If your lover is anything else, you should grace her with, “Big??? No way!!! You look curvalicious!!!” Of course, you must be perfectly sincere.

How difficult is that? It always pays to use good manners.

You’re welcome.

 

Thanks to Jen at Sprite’s Keeper for yet another excellent Spin Cycle prompt.

Boyfriend School 101

I’ve been thinking of starting a school for guys. It would be called “Boyfriend School.” Husbands would be welcome, too. The only problem is that it might be the blind leading the blind! But the premise is interesting, don’t you think so?

In this lesson, Boyfriend takes Girlfriend out on a date, a special date, say on an anniversary or something. She says she has an errand at the mall, so he should first say, “Fun! Let’s go!” Then, while at the mall, she looks in a window and drools just a little out the side of her mouth. He should ignore the drool, and ask, “Would you like to go in?” She might say, “No, you wouldn’t want to do that.” At this, he should quickly respond with, “I would love to go in. I know how much you like it and it’s fun for me just to be with you!” He might even have to match a “Really?” with a “Really!”

She will walk around, thinking mysterious thoughts. He will wait patiently, smiling reassuringly when she occasionally glances his way. She will then say, “Okay, we can go now.” That is his cue to say, “No, take your time. I have nowhere I need to be except right here, right now, with you.” He might even take a deep breath and say, “Actually, I’m enjoying this. These purses are like little works of art!” She’ll smile, and even if she is thinking he’s full of shit, he will have hit the mark.

The rewards come later!